6 weeks of Summer holidays nearly over. In a way I feel glad but I also feel guilty. Summer holidays, when you are a stay-at-home parent should be a time to spend as much time with the kids as you can. I remember planning a lot of things before they broke up and I was really looking forward to it.
We did go out for walks and little adventures but we went with other people such as family and friends. If I am honest, I didn't do much with my girls just me and them. I feel awfully guilty. I blame myself. I have struggled this Summer. Mia's behaviour and attitude has been uncontrollable and very hard to handle. Elliw's constant clinginess, moaning, screaming and repeating. It got all too much for me in the end. It drained me. Many times I thought 'I can't do this'. But I got through it, of course. At the end of the night before I got myself to bed, I went to give Mia and Elliw a great big cuddles a kiss. I think that helped. But then the 6am wake up call the next morning - was exhausting.
Why do I feel so guilty? Because it's my own problems that is stopping me taking the girls out by myself. My problems that are stopping me and my girls have our very own fun and happy memories. I get scared, paranoid and worried that people are going to judge me by what I am wearing, what I look like and how big I am. I get worried in case Elliw throws one of her daily tantrums in the street and me not being able to handle it out in public. But it's weird. I get some days where I feel confident (ish) in myself and I don't care what people say or think. Most days I feel paranoid and worried.
I took the girls out for a walk last week, just around the village. It was a lovely day and the girls and myself really enjoyed ourselves. We had a lot of laughter and they were well behaved. I told myself that I was going to do it again the next day. Did I? No. I had no energy. I felt drained.
Many people have been coming over to visit us and we have been going to see people too but there have been some certain days where I just wanted to lock all doors and windows, switch phones off and not think about anything. Just me and my girls. But as usual, things came up. Hair appointments, people doing the back garden etc.
I have so many things going on in my mind recently. The struggles of me loosing weight, big money problems, family problems and over thinking about really wanting my mam to get in touch. It's been nearly 9 months of no contact at all, it does hurt.
I feel really guilty that I haven't taken my girls out for our usual walks and adventures, just me and them. My weight is my biggest problem and although I am trying too loose it, I need to listen to my own advice and not worry about what others think.
I just want to say to my girls that I am Sorry. I will try my best to make it up to you both. Love you. Mam x