Saturday, 16 April 2016
If you have read this post before then you may know that I don't really have a relationship with my Mother. Well, about 10 or so weeks ago I stupidly made an effort to get her number from my aunty (her sister). My aunty gave her my number but Mother didn't contact me and about a week later I ended up contacting her. She told she wasn't well and that was the reason she couldn't contact me. She probably was ill but when the excuse of being 'unwell' has been the excuse for the past 20+ years, It's kind of hard to believe.
The reason of me contacting her? Because she hadn't even said congratulations to me or my partner about expecting our third baby. It really hurt me. I am not quite sure why it bothered me so much though. I should be over it by now. I should be used to the fact that my Mother will never be a Mother to me.
Maybe I just wasn't a good enough daughter for her. Something must of stopped her wanting to be my 'proper' Mother 20 odd years ago. Something must have stopped her to want to make excuses most weekends not to have me or my brother over to stay. Something must of stopped her not wanting to see me for over a year?
Or she just may be an useless Mother. Someone who doesn't deserve the word Mother.
The only thing that really hurts me is, because I don't see my Mother, I don't get to see my brothers and sister. Although, I can see one brother and one sister through their Dad, it can be quite difficult, especially with it being weekends. My other brother I haven't seen for a good year or so, he lives with his Dad but lives 40-60 minutes away so it's really difficult.
My Mother came down to see me and the girls 8 weeks ago with my sister and two brothers. The girls didn't know who she was and ended up calling her 'aunty'. When she was here it felt fine but something did feel like it was missing, I am not sure what either. I must admit and be honest, I did enjoy it but I think I enjoyed it more because my brothers and sister was there.
What's happened since? One text a week. Nothing else. Excuses but some may be true such as the kids being unwell but the weeks before, I am not sure. It's hard to believe someone who has let you down so much in the past. As I have told her, the past is currently the present.
Last week I text her to forget about the whole thing. She then made me change my mind. She made me feel quite guilty. I was busy the previous Wednesday and she thought I was actually being awkward with her as apparently I knew that was the only day she could come down. That is not true. I was not being awkward at all. Like I told her, I have a life too.
She arranged then to come up the following Wednesday until I remember I had my GTT test appointment with the midwife in the morning for 2-3 hours. I told her the times I was free then she asked about Thursday and Friday. I let her know when I was free those days. I even kept those two days free, did she contact me? No. Not even once.
I have since text her to actually forget all of it now. The past is the present and she is never going to change. Why did I text her 10 or so weeks ago? Why?! I have no idea. I guess this is going to be another year or so without seeing her. (third time). She hasn't text me back, so I guess she isn't bothered.
It really is sad to know that my own Mother doesn't know me properly. She doesn't know anything about me. She knows nothing about what I like, about my personality. Nothing. She knows nothing about my girls. Even forgot Elliw's birthday (again). She has no idea about anything that I go through with this pregnancy. She will never be a Mother to me. I just got to get used to that fact and move on now.
One day I hope she realises what she has done and still doing. But right now, I don't want her to hurt me or get me stressed in this pregnancy. I want to enjoy my last ever pregnancy. I don't want to deal with false promises and let downs again. I have my Mother figure and that is my partners Mam.