"Why do you cry everyday Mam?"
Are the words of my four year old daughter.
Words no child should ask a parent.
But in reality sometimes you just can't hide those tears even if you try. Sometimes it can just become too much and it's fine to just let it all out and cry. But when you have your child in front of you, cuddling you and wiping your tears away it kind of makes it harder to stop because by then you are feeling that guilt, you don't feel strong and you feel like a cr*p Mum because you're supposed to be strong in front of your children, you're not supposed to cry.
But sometimes, you just can't stop the tears.
The times you are just so scared of leaving the house because you feel like you will be judged by everyone who passes you. When you hear people talking or looking at you, you instantly think they are talking about you in a negative kind of way. Your mind goes mad with all kinds of confusing thoughts about wondering what they are saying but they're not even saying anything about you.
The times you feel scared to leave the house to take the kids for a walk or even to the hairdressers. Pulling off getting your own hair done and even the girls hair done for so many months because you're just too nervous to go there. Scared for no reason at all. But when you finally booked, your stomach is full of nerves, you want to throw up but you manage to get there and you feel like you've achieved something. That feeling is good.
The times when the kids have a bad day doesn't help your bad day. You end up shouting, screaming and just breaking down. You end up letting them do what they want because you just don't have that energy, you feel like a failure of a parent and you just feel useless.
When you feel like you have to please everyone and it just gets a little too much to handle but you have to put that brave face on. You know, that smile or that laugh but inside you feel like you're breaking. The time you arrive home you just sit down and let it all out, again.
Anything can set you off. Someone telling you that you've done something wrong, even if it's the smallest thing can make you feel worthless. It can make you feel like you always do things wrong and nothing is ever good enough.
You look in the mirror and all thoughts come to your head. You then end up hating looking at yourself in the mirror, you hate your appearance and you want to change but you just don't have that strength or energy.
That feeling of not being good enough for your children or anyone else will bring you down.
You can't handle big groups of people. Loud noises such as a group of people talking can be a little too much at times. So you just blank everyone out and find yourself in the world of your own by staring blankly until someone asks you if you're ok.
Are you okay
Are sometimes the words you need to hear.
You want someone to ask you how you feel.
You try your damn hardest to be the best parent to your children. Although you feel like you're failing, hearing those three special words, "I Love You" from your own children makes all the pain worth it and you know one day, you'll be just fine because at the end of the day in your children's eyes, you are a super human!
But for now, letting all those tears out in the bathroom or when you fall asleep at night is the best way to cope.
This is me.