Nearly A Year...


It's your birthday today and I am thinking should I say happy birthday to you? I mean... you didn't wish me a happy birthday back in August and you have never wished Mia and Elliw a happy birthday before. You forgot Elliw's first birthday and christening day. You chose to ignore me and didn't let me know if you were coming or not - but I think it was best you didn't come.

You have let me down so many times and I think to myself and wonder why do I want you in my life? Why should I go through weeks and even months of being hurt because of you? why? you don't care, because you blame it on me. The day you let your partner (ex now) lay his hands on my brother when he was just about 3 or 4 was the day you let us both down. The day you chose to stay with your then partner instead of sticking by me and my brother. The day you turned around at the courts and told them you could not be bothered with us. But do you know what? I thank you.

I thank you that you told the courts you couldn't be bothered with me and my brother. Why you ask? Because you then gave me and my brother the best life we could of possibly had. We were brought up by our Dad. My Dad is my rock. He has and always has been there for me, still is. But where you? Living a 10 minute bus ride away from the village I live in, but never bother to see me or my girls.

You blame me. You tell me I have never given you a chance. You say I stopped you seeing Mia and Elliw. You say I have never put in an effort. I don't care about all that before because I know the truth:
- I know I have given in to you so many times by texting you and asking you to come over and we will sort things out. Eventually, I went to yours to sort things - didn't go very well.
- I know I sent you a text asking to choose drugs or Mia and Elliw - I know you didn't reply and then I didn't see you for one whole year.
- I know you phoned me shouting abuse at me because I met up with my other brother (who also lives with his Dad - different Dad from mine).
- I know you have chosen men over me and the rest of my brothers and sister.
- I know I have put the effort in because it is me who always gives in a texts or phones you.
- I know I have never ever stopped you from seeing Mia and Elliw.

You can tell your friends all those lies - but I know the truth. But your friends aren't that much better either, but I wont go into that. I'm not going to say I am totally innocent because I am not. I have given you abuse such as sl*gging you off on Facebook and calling you a sl*g but what do you expect when I find out you slept with someone a few years younger than me? Only difference is I apologised. I knew I did wrong. I shouldn't of called you that name, not over social media.

All through my life it's been up and down. If it wasn't for my Dad then I wouldn't have seen you at all - maybe that would be better? But oh well. Its done now. I don't have many memories with you. You chose to go to the Isle Of Man for a year and saw me once for one week. You chose to not contact me at all when I was a child for a whole 6 months. You chose not to contact me for a whole year until I contacted you and it's happened again. Last year, Christmas eve when I went to yours to give you and my brothers and sister Christmas presents was the last time I saw you. The last time I heard from you was in January. You didn't even know I was out of the country for 3 weeks. I did say I was going away - but you didn't ask where, when, how long for etc. I hadn't heard off you and still haven't.

I am hurt. I do miss you. But I don't want you back in my life - not now. I couldn't cope with being hurt again. It kills me to see you celebrating some friends and their children's birthday but you won't even say a happy birthday to your own daughter or grand daughters.

Yes this is my Mother I am talking about.

You know. The person who gave birth to me. The person every single daughter and son should be able to rely on. Many of time I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her. Many of times I have wanted a hug from her. I can't remember when the last time she said she loves me and I think in the past 3 or 4 years I have only had about 5 hugs off her.

The person who should be loving her grand daughters to bits. My girls don't even know her. They don't know what she looks like or what her name is. I cant bring myself to let them call her nain/grandma etc. It makes my stomach turn thinking about it. Is that bad?

It is sad. But I need to face up to the fact she will never been there for me. But will it be too late one day? Will I care? I don't know.

40 comments

  1. Sending love and hugs! Mothers eh! It really sounds like she is better out of you and your girls life!
    I sort of know how you feel....I have a mother somewhere who is pure evil.....Some of the things she has done to me I could never imagine doing to my girls. I call her my mother. Never mam or mum and my girls don't know her. She left a week before my eldest girls birthday.

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  2. Your the better person. I can't begin to understand how your feeling but your strong for your girls and that is the main thing. Big hugs. #binkylinky xx

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  3. That's so sad. I'm so sorry you're relationship is strained with your mum. The children should have their granny in their lives but it sounds like it would be more trouble than it's worth :( Try to remain strong xxx #Justanotherlinky

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  4. I can't even imagine. I have a "crazy" mom but I can't complain especially reading your journey. A parent is supposed to the rock, the unconditional love and support of a child. I'm sorry that you didn't have that with your mom but your dad sounds like the true super star here. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. That's very sad. But you can't make people change. You just have to do what's in the best interests of you and your girls. Only your mum can be responsible for what she does and if she misses out as a result. &, as you say, you have your dad, who has given you a god life and what you need (I remember from other posts - your dad sounds awesome!) #justanotherlinky

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  6. Big hugs! that is so sad! If she isn't interested then that is her loss!! and big loves to your dad for being two parents! Love and hugs #justanotherlinky

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  7. This is such a brave thing for you to write, and so obviously painful as well. It is a noticable contrast from one of the posts I wrote this week. My mother wanted to but couldnt be a part of my life, whereas yours could, but wasnt. Life if a bit rubbish sometimes isnt it.
    I dont blame you at all for excluding her, it seams like the only healthy thing to do. I hope in time the hurt will lessen for you.
    #justanotherlinky xx

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  8. I really feel how hurt you are reading this post and I think it's a very brave and honest piece of writing. Your children have a wonderful mum to look up to, even if their Grandma isn't around. I'm so pleased your Dad was there for you. #justanotherlinky x

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  9. oh Beth x This is painful to read from someone that loves you because i do! and i'll always be there for a chat or a cuddle! xxx much love xxxx

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  10. You're such a brave lady for taking the courage to write this post... It;s the same as my husband's dad who just lives a 10mins walk from us but won't even bother come round and visit and say hello to his grandchildren. I don't understand why some people just doesn't value family at all. I felt emotional reading your post, probably because I miss my mum too but she's in Phils., too far away from me. Thanks for sharing! #justanotherlinky

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  11. Oh I don't really know what to say. It was very brave to write this post. I hope you're ok. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky xx

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  12. That must have been hard to write. I complain about my mother a lot, but at the end of the day she is amazing, and I take her for granted most of the time. Reading this was a reminder to me about how grateful I should be.

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  13. You are so brave, I can't imagine how tough this must have been to write. You are the better person by far, and she is the one missing out on you and Mia and Elliw. Big hugs xx
    #KCACOLS

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  14. This was hard to read so I can't imagine how hard it was to live through! It makes me realise how much I take my relationship with my mum for granted sometimes. I don't think it's bad to not want your daughters to see her as a nanny - you know that they would most likely only be let down and hurt if you encouraged them to x #KCACOLS

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  15. Very tough post to write I'm sure unfortually only you can decide your next move great post thanks for linking to the Binkylinky

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  16. Thank you for sharing. This must have been an incredibly difficult post to write and I cannot imagine what you must be going through. You can only do what you think is best for yourself and your family. Hugs. #justanotherlinky

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  17. Brave post. So often we hear about dads being the ones to turn their backs on their kids. How fortunate that he has always been there for you and your children

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  18. Some family members even if it's your very own mother can be toxic for some people and I guess, it's a choice between allowing them to hurt you again or saying NO this time. And I'm glad you've chosen to save yourself. At the end of the day, you must put yourself above anything else, especially when you've been hurt so many times :( Sending virtual hugs. I commend you for sharing this post, must have been hard. Dean of Little Steps

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  19. *Sending you big hugs* . It's beyond sad how some parents choose to treat their children and all the hurt and pain they cause them. I know this isn't easy but sometimes it's better to just remove them from your life. In the end it will be their loss not yours. I find it's better to try and concentrate on the important people in my life. xx #KCACOLS

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  20. *Sending you big hugs* . It's beyond sad how some parents choose to treat their children and all the hurt and pain they cause them. I know this isn't easy but sometimes it's better to just remove them from your life. In the end it will be their loss not yours. I find it's better to try and concentrate on the important people in my life. xx #KCACOLS

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  21. I cannot begin to understand what you are feeling. It seems to me that you have made a decision that is not only best for you, but best for you girls as you wouldn't want them to go through the same pain as you have. All I can say is that I am sorry that you have been through so much pain with the relationship with you mother and know that because of this, you will have great relationships with your daughters! xxx

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  22. What a powerful post. Do try not to dwell too much. Some things you can't change. You have your own beautiful family now, who you are doing a marvouslous job with. Stay strong, keep your chin yo and smile on your face and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! #MarvMondays

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  23. This post made my heart heavy. Big hugs. I think the one of the hardest decisions we can make is that someone in our family is not good for us. Well done you for being so brave and reflective. I hope you can get some peace with regards to the whole situation. It must be so hard. I'm happy for your daughters that they wont have to know what it's like to have such a difficult relationship with their mum.
    Thanks so much for linking up to #fartglitter. xxx

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  24. Oh my what a mixed bag of emotions you must feel, massive hugs to you, having a tricky relationship with your mother I totoally get, but you have had to put up with so much. I feel your anger and hurt, looking forward has to be best and to the love of your own family. *Hugs* #MagicMoments

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  25. I read this post a few days ago, I didn't comment because I didn't really know what to say, not sure I can be helpful. I suppose I should say that you should just draw a line under it and move on - but obviously you can't just shut off like that. It must be so hard for you. At least, thank god you had a good dad, and you clearly have a great partner and family unit. She is the one who is really missing out, she must have a ton of regrets, she certainty should have xx

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  26. Uh, it's so painful to read it. I understand you I lived with my father after my parents divorce so I was never so close to my mom as I was with my dad (who unfortunately died 2001). Do not blame yourself. It's not up to you. Support and hugs. xxx Rahela (www.raheladrusko.com) #fartglitter

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  27. I am so, so sorry to read this.

    I can understand how you feel as my mum has very little to do with me and has only met my daughter twice (because I made the effort). She just isn't interested in us. I've learned that you can't make someone love you or be part of your life. Luckily my MIL dotes on my baby something chronic so she's not missing out on a granny entirely. It just makes me sad because really, she should have two grandmas to look up to. #MarvMondays

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  28. So sorry that you have had to go through this. It sounds like you are a very strong person to have coped with all this in your life and remain positive and make a great life for yourself and your family. She is the one missing out. #fartglitter

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  29. O sweetie, you sounds like you're an extremely strong lady #Magicmoments

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  30. Oh I'm so sorry, you've had such a hard time, but you're strong and have coped incredibly. You are who your little ones need, you are their mum and you are there for them, that's what matters. It's your mum who is missing out, maybe she'll realise some day, but until then keep strong and be mummy and granny all in one for them #sundaystars

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  31. I hope that, in time, you find healing in your relationship - whatever that may look like.
    #KCACOLS

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  32. I'm so sorry you've been through this. As a Mother who absolutely lives for my children, I can never understand how a Mother couldn't feel the same way! Thankfully, your kids have you as a fantastic Mummy and role model and now you have them to live for. Thankyou for linking up to Marvellous Mondays! Kaye xo

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  33. I am so sorry you have had to go through something like this it must be so hard for you as a mother yourself to understand how someone could do this, I know I do. I really hope somehow you manage to develop a relationship between you both sending lots of love #KCACOLS

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  34. Hugs. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Although as you said, really you are better off. This is so sad and I hope that healing comes for you in one way or another xxx thanks for sharing, it can't have been easy #sharewithme

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  35. So well communicated with such passion and respect. My heart goes out to you and your family.
    #MMWBH

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  36. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this rejection over and over again, it's heartbreaking. Much love to you, you're very brave to share your innermost feelings xx #MarvMondays

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  37. What a moving post!! I can't imagine all the things that have been gone through your head!! I feel really sorry that you had to suffer like that! :-( It really makes me feel sad. You are very brave to write this post and let it all out!! I hope this post helped you to process all these feelings that you have inside!! I think it is better for you to keep some distance from her as you want to be surrounded of positivity, specially to protect your girls. I'm sending you some hugs and I really hope you can find some closure soon. Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I love having you here. :-) xx

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  38. I'm back but this time to say thank you for hosting #justanotherlinky :-) xx

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  39. Oh sending you hugs and love. It's hard when families don't always work out for the better. We can't choose them and sounds like you have done the best for your own children instead. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me. I hope to see you again tomorrow for another great round! #sharewithme

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  40. Bless you. It breaks my heart to think of any woman treating her children like this. It sounds like it will be hard but you will be better off without her around. Mother's are not meant to make you feel like this. You should also be so proud that you are such s good mother when your mother was such a lousy role model. Thanks for linking up to #SundaysStars. I am sorry it has taken me so long to comment. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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