Nearly A Year...Friday, 6 November 2015
It's your birthday today and I am thinking should I say happy birthday to you? I mean... you didn't wish me a happy birthday back in August and you have never wished Mia and Elliw a happy birthday before. You forgot Elliw's first birthday and christening day. You chose to ignore me and didn't let me know if you were coming or not - but I think it was best you didn't come.
You have let me down so many times and I think to myself and wonder why do I want you in my life? Why should I go through weeks and even months of being hurt because of you? why? you don't care, because you blame it on me. The day you let your partner (ex now) lay his hands on my brother when he was just about 3 or 4 was the day you let us both down. The day you chose to stay with your then partner instead of sticking by me and my brother. The day you turned around at the courts and told them you could not be bothered with us. But do you know what? I thank you.
I thank you that you told the courts you couldn't be bothered with me and my brother. Why you ask? Because you then gave me and my brother the best life we could of possibly had. We were brought up by our Dad. My Dad is my rock. He has and always has been there for me, still is. But where you? Living a 10 minute bus ride away from the village I live in, but never bother to see me or my girls.
You blame me. You tell me I have never given you a chance. You say I stopped you seeing Mia and Elliw. You say I have never put in an effort. I don't care about all that before because I know the truth:
- I know I have given in to you so many times by texting you and asking you to come over and we will sort things out. Eventually, I went to yours to sort things - didn't go very well.
- I know I sent you a text asking to choose drugs or Mia and Elliw - I know you didn't reply and then I didn't see you for one whole year.
- I know you phoned me shouting abuse at me because I met up with my other brother (who also lives with his Dad - different Dad from mine).
- I know you have chosen men over me and the rest of my brothers and sister.
- I know I have put the effort in because it is me who always gives in a texts or phones you.
- I know I have never ever stopped you from seeing Mia and Elliw.
You can tell your friends all those lies - but I know the truth. But your friends aren't that much better either, but I wont go into that. I'm not going to say I am totally innocent because I am not. I have given you abuse such as sl*gging you off on Facebook and calling you a sl*g but what do you expect when I find out you slept with someone a few years younger than me? Only difference is I apologised. I knew I did wrong. I shouldn't of called you that name, not over social media.
All through my life it's been up and down. If it wasn't for my Dad then I wouldn't have seen you at all - maybe that would be better? But oh well. Its done now. I don't have many memories with you. You chose to go to the Isle Of Man for a year and saw me once for one week. You chose to not contact me at all when I was a child for a whole 6 months. You chose not to contact me for a whole year until I contacted you and it's happened again. Last year, Christmas eve when I went to yours to give you and my brothers and sister Christmas presents was the last time I saw you. The last time I heard from you was in January. You didn't even know I was out of the country for 3 weeks. I did say I was going away - but you didn't ask where, when, how long for etc. I hadn't heard off you and still haven't.
I am hurt. I do miss you. But I don't want you back in my life - not now. I couldn't cope with being hurt again. It kills me to see you celebrating some friends and their children's birthday but you won't even say a happy birthday to your own daughter or grand daughters.
Yes this is my Mother I am talking about.
You know. The person who gave birth to me. The person every single daughter and son should be able to rely on. Many of time I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her. Many of times I have wanted a hug from her. I can't remember when the last time she said she loves me and I think in the past 3 or 4 years I have only had about 5 hugs off her.
The person who should be loving her grand daughters to bits. My girls don't even know her. They don't know what she looks like or what her name is. I cant bring myself to let them call her nain/grandma etc. It makes my stomach turn thinking about it. Is that bad?
It is sad. But I need to face up to the fact she will never been there for me. But will it be too late one day? Will I care? I don't know.