7 Months...

 
I've kind of gotten used to the fact that I don't have the 'best' mother in life.
I'm used to the fact of not relying on her, asking her for advice or help.
I'm used to the fact of not phoning her if I am upset or wanting a shoulder to cry on.
I am used to the fact of not seeing her.
 
When I was young my Dad was given full custody. The best thing that has ever happened to me.
That is one thing I can thank my Mother. By telling the courts she couldn't be bothered.
I remember all the false promises, the last minute phone calls to say you didn't want us that weekend because apparently you were 'ill' when infact you were probably having fun drinking with your friends.
But that was your choice.
 
Who was there for you when you were going through a marriage break-up? Me.
Your eldest daughter.
 
I could probably count on one hand how many birthday and Christmas cards I have received off you.
I remember having £50 Christmas money off you. But I got it in August. 8 months later.
 
At 15 years old I remember talking to you about a problem I had. Your response? 'Don't tell me your problems I have enough going on'
That has hurt and changed me massively. That has made me feel that no one likes to listen to me if I really need to talk to someone. But that. You will never know.
 
At 16 you tried to turn me against my Dad. Now. Everyone who knows me in person, knows that my Dad has done absolutely everything for me. He has given me the best life.
So why did this woman try her best to turn me against him? Of course. She failed with her petty lies.
 
Sometimes I do wish I could just pick up the phone and talk you when I am feeling down.
I wish I could call you and meet up for a cup of tea or go shopping.
That will never happen. It never has and never will. I just need to accept that.
 
You went 1 whole year without seeing me and my girls. You blamed me.
You blamed me because I asked you to choose drug taking or your grandchildren.
You can probably guess which one she chose... That's when the long 1 year of not seeing her started.
 
You didn't turn up to Elliw's christening. You have never said happy birthday to her. You 'forgot' her FIRST birthday.
Actually, neither of them have had birthday cards or Christmas cards off you.
 
The last time I saw you was when I took my brothers and sister's Christmas presents to you on Boxing Day. Stupidly, I had bought you one too.
Of course, we received nothing back.
Elliw was in the car with Iwan. Sleeping. You went to see her in the car for less than 5 minutes.
 
That was the last I saw of you. 7 months ago. You didn't even know I was out of the country for 3 weeks.
I did let you know that we were going to Thailand, but nothing back. That was the last text.
 
This time it feels different. This time it feels like you have actually lost me and my girls now.
You have hurt me too much that it doesn't really hurt anymore.
You have had countless of letters off me. You have had countless of chances.
 
I am nearly 23 years old. I have not had a mother in my life.
No one can say I have, because a Mother does not act how she has.
 
But Mam... I want to thank you.
Thank you for showing me how not to be a mother, I learnt the hard way but it has made me a ten times better mother than you will ever be.
Thanks for letting my Dad get Full custody from that day.

2 comments

  1. I feel sorry for her for losing out on time with you and your wonderful family. Your dad did a sterling job. Well done for being so strong xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That means a lot! Thank you so much xxx

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