It's OK To Be Selfish Sometimes

I used to be this girl who was always joking, always happy and just took everything day by day. I'm not saying that I'm not happy now. Of course, I am. But it's tough. There are days where I wish I could turn back time so I can be me for a few hours. I can't remember the last day I was by myself, with no kids. I was so excited to visit Bluestone again. I felt like it was something we all needed, as a family. No routine. No school morning runs. No work. Just having quality time - all five of us. We all had such an amazing time. I can't actually say there was a bad day or a stressful day because there wasn't.



Little did I know that the day after we came back home, it was all going to crash down. Isn't it weird how just a few days can change so much? In fact, it changed everything for that whole week. I wasn't myself, at all. Not one bit. I don't want to go into to much detail. But, having a relationship is hard when you don't get to spend that much time together, by yourselves, without the kids. Yes, we have our evenings - kind of. The girls will go to bed 7 pm (we will then be telling them to be quiet or go to sleep for 1-3 hours). Freddie will then go to sleep around 8.30-9.30pm, depending if he had a late afternoon nap or not. More than likely, Freddie will be up around 2-3 times until 11 pm - ish, and that's the time I usually go to bed myself. Every evening I make sure I have that time to myself where I can have a very hot shower and time to think myself. But it's not the same as someone taking the kids for you to have a break. I go to the shower around Freddie. I make sure it's the time that I know Freddie will be sleeping. But I absolutely love that time of the day. It's my time to relax, just a little.

The evenings are also my time to work. I try and work during the day when the girls are in school, but it's hard to concentrate when I have the TV on or when Freddie babbling and needing my attention. I don't want to bring my laptop out every single day when I could be playing Freddie. After school is a no-go. There's no chance of me even trying to start work after school hours. My partner doesn't come home until 5-6, sometimes 7 or later. It's exhausting. Although I'm in a relationship, I do everything that I did when I was a single Mam with Mia, before I met my partner. However, on the weekends and if my partner is home earlier, then I feel like I'm so lucky because I do get help then.

Over eight months of not have one full night sleep has changed me, a lot. I'm moody, miserable, snap back, exhausted and just everything you can think about. It's 11.30am as I'm writing this and my eyes feel so heavy because I'm over tired. I could have gone down for a nap, as Freddie is having his, but knowing my luck the minute I go into a deep sleep, he will wake up. Plus, I'm not great at sleeping during the day - I always feel worse afterwards. Our relationship has been rocky. I'm glad that last week has finished, though. We had a lot of chats, and I mean a lot. They hurt. I cried. He cried. We needed everything out in the open. We both needed to step back and think about the good times and think about who we were and who we still can be. It's started since Freddie has come along, after months of no sleep (for me) and no time just him and I, our lives have just been the same old, every single day. We haven't had 'us time' to appreciate each other. I think we needed that tough week to realise things. Things are better with us now, though.

I am still overly exhausted from all the bad nights of hardly no sleep last week because of all the stress. Never mind the rubbish night sleeps I get with Freddie. Somehow, crying can make you feel extra tired, does that make sense? I'm sure I could have done my own sea, with a number of tears that came down last week and still for this week. Although my relationship is getting better after both of us stepping back and taking a look at life a better way, Motherhood has been pretty tough.

Freddie decided to have two of the crappiest night sleeps, ever. Which has made me even more exhausted? Mind you, the two nights before these two rubbish nights, he slept from 11pm - 3am and then 3.30am - 7am ( the record!). The bad nights have made him super grumpy and yesterday (Tuesday) was a nightmare. I felt like it was never going to end. He was fighting his sleep to nap, he moaned all day long. I held my head up high during the school run, took the girls scooters and hoping for a better afternoon as Freddie did eventually sleep and was in a better mood. But two minutes after picking the girls up, it all started. Elliw wanted a friend over, but her friend couldn't and plus I didn't have the energy. Elliw's scooter broke, and so Mia offered to share hers. Mia was really good on the way back home, until she arrived home. Elliw was a nightmare. She is the child who will happily run off, throw herself on the floor and scream. Yes, she is five years old, nd she seems to have gotten worse since she turned five a few weeks ago. She's exhausting. Every single day she will have atleast one tantrum or big moan. I laugh, because I had so many people telling me it was a phase that she's going through. Years later, she still has them. However, when she's nice, she is the loveliest little girl, ever.

When we arrived home, Mia started because I told them both to tidy the mess they had made in the playroom. It wasn't just toys. It was a tip. It was disgusting. They literally drop things wherever they are standing. They never keep anything back where they're supposed to which is a big pain. Elliw however, didn't mind tidying up (shocking!). When both girls behaved and started playing nicely, Freddie started. I got him to sleep and then Elliw started. It was like that all the way up until bed time. I couldn't wait until they were all asleep. My partner didn't arrive home until 6.30pm either, so that made it even harder.

I've come to a point where I want time to myself. After all the overthinking last week, the stress and exhaustion. I am not scared to say it anymore; I want my time. I want to feel myself. Even if it's just for a few hours in the day. I want to have one day where I don't have to do things around kids and do things around me. I've asked my partner to take the kids out this Saturday and I'm really looking forward to just being at home, by myself. I will probably do some blog work, watch vlogs, watch tv and just chill. But I am so looking forward to it.

I know that it will do me a world of good and it will also be good for the kids and hopefully get their happy Mum back!

Guess what? It's 11.50am now and Freddie's just woken up. I've actually finished a blog post. He's woken up to just babbling instead of crying. He's also slept for one hour and 20 minutes. Hooray! Hopefully, I have a happy baby today (most of the day, anyway!). On a bad side, it's pouring down with rain and I have a school run to do at 3pm - and I don't feel well.