Over 10 Months of Sleep Deprivation

Freddie has never been a good sleeper. In fact, he's one of the worst sleepers out all three kids. I have struggled a lot with the lack of sleep. I hate evenings, which I shouldn't but because I know he will take a while to settle, wake up during the evenings and then wake up every hour, two or three hours during the night, I dread the evening. It is probably my own fault as he's never really self-settled. He's always settled in my arms, and through the months he's been sleeping in my arms, been rocked and falling asleep while feeding. He's used to me being around him while he sleeps all the time. It's a habit I do need to break. I have started to do some sleep training. If he wakes up during the evenings, then I won't pick him up. I'll just go back and forth every 10-20 minutes, give him his dummy and lie him back down until he falls asleep. It can be really stressful, especially if I'm tired. I want to give in, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

The past three nights I've had to put him in his cot awake, after a feed as he just doesn't settle after a feed. He keeps climbing on me, bouncing on my bed and laughing. He is tired as he rubs his eyes too. I felt guilty for leaving him in his cot to settle. I did go back every 10-20 minutes like I do in the evenings but putting him down awake was new for me. Both girls were able to self-settle. So learning Freddie to do it is quite hard. I need to phone my Health Visitor about it all as I feel I'm ok doing things once I get reassurance.

For example, last night, Freddie was not settling. He was tired but just wouldn't go to sleep after his feed. I tried to feed him twice again, but he just wanted to play. I put him in his cot, and I left the room. I sat on top of the stairs and cried. I just didn't know what to do. I felt hopeless and useless. But he didn't really cry. He just moaned. He eventually went to sleep around 45 minutes later. The two nights before, he did the same thing, not settling after a feed and I put him in his cot awake. Those two nights were worse that last night. But he did eventually fall asleep. I had hoped every single night when he takes a while to settle that he would sleep a good few hours again before waking up but no. He wakes up anything between 1-3 hours. Last night he was up at 4am. We've both been awake since. Freddie fell back to sleep at 7am when we were just getting ready to go out for a walk. I decided to stay home to have my breakfast and a panad in peace. He woke up 25 minutes later, and that's when I decided to go out for a walk. He eventually went back to sleep, and he's still sleeping an hour later.

Many people ask me how do I cope. I just get on with it. I don't cope that well as I cry, a lot. I get stressed, and I'm miserable as hell when I'm tired. But I just get on with the day. I try not to let it get to me that much, but when it does, like today, I do struggle. Elliw had a sleepover in her Nain's last night which was handy, and Mia was in her Dad's. So it's just Freddie and me which isn't too bad. I'm going to get Elliw later on after lunch time, and I am dreading the rest of the day. I'm dreading how I am going to cope with bedtime again. How am I going to cope with Freddie been sleepless through the night again? But I guess, I just go with the flow.

I really am fed up with the broken sleep. My eyes sting, my head hurts, and I find it so difficult to concentrate and do things during the day as I still have to function for all three kids. He's only just started the extra early wake-up calls. Not quite sure why because I can see he is still really tired. But once he's awake and playing, I do struggle to settle him back. All I keep thinking is that one day, he will sleep. One day, I won't be worrying about the evenings. One day, I'll be struggling to wake him up! 

- Linking up with The Ordinary Moments