Ah, life has been pretty hectic the past few weeks. I've been working a lot and trying to get everything organised and ready for Christmas is stressing me out, but I'm also so excited too. My partner and I had a well deserved little break the other weekend, and I was literally counting down the days for the break. I wish we could go back in time to have that day back too, it was amazing. We spent the day and night in Liverpool. We stayed at the Albert Dock, which we have done every year for the past 4 years or so and previous years before that I went with a group of friends. Liverpool is somewhere I absolutely love visiting, and this year was the first year we visited over the Christmas period.

I was gutted we didn't visit the following weekend as it was the beginning of the Christmas Market that time, so we were a week early. However, we'd have had no babysitters if we did that - so we stuck to our original dates we'd booked. We spent the first full day shopping in the centre, and I had a little (ok, big) shop in Primark too. As much as I love Primark in Liverpool, I did get tired in the end. It didn't help that I was wearing a big baggy jumper, with a coat on top too. I managed to get quite a few bargains which I'm really happy about.

That evening we went to the Cinema and out for food. It was so lovely spending time together. No one interrupting us and no worries about having to be back home in time for the kid's bedtime, and what was even better, there were no worries about waking up during the night or early morning either - bliss! However, saying all that, I really did miss the kids. It was the longest time I had spent away from Freddie since he was born, and it'd been around 2 or so years since I spent that long from Elliw too.

The following day we left Liverpool pretty early to go shop at The Croft Shopping Retail Park - which we only shopped about 3 shops until we decided to leave and head off back home. It was lovely seeing all three kids again when we arrived home, but within half an hour (possibly less than that), reality kicked in. Arguments started, disagreements started, and even my partner and I argued because of tension with the kids (the two eldest). Freddie was getting tired, he was following me everywhere, he wanted picking up but wouldn't sit still as he wanted to climb everywhere - my little monkey. Then there was Mia with her bad attitude and rudeness. Then Elliw just being Elliw.

It's crazy how fast a 'day/night' break goes, isn't it? Yet when I was home that evening, I was literally counting down the minutes for bedtime. Except the last hour felt like a full day. Once they were in bed, I felt guilty. I felt guilty that I wanted them in bed. Because I missed them when I was away. I was looking forward for their cuddles and their stories. But once reality kicked in - I wanted to go away again. I wanted a full break from motherhood.

I didn't want to be a 'Mam' at the point - can I even say that?

I am literally fed up with every single day being the same old thing. It's just the same sh*t but a different day. I can't even remember the last full day that was calm and a day that I can say, "Yeah that day wasn't bad". I honestly can't.

It's been horrible. It's been crap.

Dealing with the kids, Mia's big attitude, Elliw's emotions as she's getting very emotional lately and then Freddie wanting the attention all the time and being stuck by me constantly. But at the moment, it's Mia's attitude I am struggling with really bad. I'm not scared or shy to admit that I'm struggling either. It's all part of parenthood. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, you could feel like your struggling with one kid, three kids or seven even. We all struggle in our own way, and we all cope in our own way too. Some better than others.

I am struggling to get out of bed in the mornings. Each morning I feel numb. The thought of having to drag myself out of bed to get all three kids ready, do the same old morning school routine to be out of the house by 8.30am. Come back home, do another daily routine with Freddie and then put him for his nap for me to work. I can't guarantee that I'll get a good 2 hours to work - it varies each day. One day I can get half an hour, the next I can get three hours - but no often anymore. Then entertaining Freddie after lunch when he wakes up, to then do the same afternoon routine after another school run at 3pm.

It's exhausting.

I pray and hope my partner doesn't text or phone me to say he's working late and I literally count down the minutes until he is home. When he's home I feel like something has come off my shoulders. I feel a little bit more relaxed. I know I have someone there to help with the kids - but it's not always guranteed that he's home around their tea time, the busiest time of the day.

Although I have a partner, I still do everything that a single Mam does. Most days I feel like one, all over again. Motherhood can be very lonely - but can be so rewarding at times even when it doesn't feel like it at the time.

But as they say, it's ok not to be ok.

Things will get better.

Saying all this, the 'phase' will pass. The good memories are rememberd and one day all these feelings that I am currently feeling - will all be forgotten - won't they?

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