Friday, 7 October 2016
When I first started high school I felt the same as most of the other kids starting, nervous but also a little excited. Few months down the line it all changed. I wanted to change schools, I wanted to skip days off. I just didn't fit in anywhere. It got a little better but then it just went worse again. The 'group' of people I was in didn't accept me for who I was. They didn't accept me, for me. I had 5 people I was best friends with and they accepted me, but the rest? I still have no idea to this day what their problem was with me.
It felt as if it was getting worse and worse each week. I was getting called names and getting put down by a certain person from that 'group'. I have no idea why but she had some kind of 'thrill' to putting me down most days of the week. Maybe it was her sense of humour? Maybe she was joking? But it was a strange joke and sense of humour she had if it was that. But we didn't get on. Never did and never will.
I started this post about that because that was nothing really compared to what happened later on during my high school years. I hated it. But there were some good times there, especially with the 5 best friends I had there at the time. I have some fantastic memories with them and i'll never forget. Those are the times I try and remember, not the bad.
Two close friends and I were sitting on a bench during break time and I had just got m bag out ready for lunch, until a girl from my year and her friends came up to us and told us to move. I said no. I mean, why should we move off a bench when we were there first and had just sat down ourselves? Why? Well that was the wrong answer. What happened next? Tripped to the ground, getting kicked and punched. Yep. I was that girl that was on the floor getting beaten up whilst others just watched. My hair getting dragged out. The day I felt useless and worthless. The day I wanted to leave. The day that made me scared to go back to school. What was worse? The school did nothing. They said it was her word against mine.
I was a little late for one of my lessons, an R.E. lesson if I remember rightly. I was wearing my uniform and a pink belt. A boy who was around a year or two older than me walked past me. But as he walked past me he touched me down there. I went into class and I just felt numb. I sat there thinking, why did he just do that? Why did he just touch me without my consent? It's my body. Nobody touches my body, especially down below, without consent. Nobobdy.
I went to the headmasters office after my lesson. I was in two minds of going up but I'm glad I did. The office was huge. I was asked to sit on a chair and he say opposite me. I felt as if I was in a formal meeting. I stuttered my words and holding back my tears. I was told if he was to go near me again for me to go straight up back to the office.
He got suspended for a week.
The last two years of school I still didn't 'fit in'. These three certain people, two girls and boy. The ones who thought they were 'cool' but looking back? The weren't. They were just low life bullies. Every day I was getting called names. If they saw me by myself they would come up to me and tell me things. I was 'fake' apparently. Was it because I didn't have that 'top trend'? Was it because I didn't do my make up like you? Was it because I wasn't as confident as you? Did you all feel proud of putting someone down every single day? Were you happy that you made a school girl feel like cr*p every single day she woke up on a school morning? Wishing she wouldn't wake up. Wishing it wasn't a Monday. Crying herself to sleep. Crying to herself as she was getting ready for school. Walking up to school wondering what was going to be said that day. Are you proud that you made someone feel that way just because you wanted the act like the 'cool kids'?
Well, guess what? Looking back, you were the ones that were the losers. Having to make someone feel cr*p for you to feel good.
Although I had hell through high school and forcing a smile on my face most days, I do thank them in a way because it has made me much stronger these days. There's some things I have mentioned here that I haven't told anyone before, but why should I hide it? Why should I keep it in?
I do wish I coped with it differently. I wish that I would of stood up for myself. But it's been and gone! It doesn't affect me much anymore. But it has ruined my confidence in worrying that I won't be accepted anywhere with anyone.