Life LatelySaturday, 11 February 2017
I haven't written one of these posts for a while now, but it's mainly because I am getting a little too stressed with everything at the moment. Once I have one little problem in my head it all of a sudden turns to a 100 things, which can be quite annoying. My mind just goes into overdrive, and I panic. Shockingly, I've been working on my blog every single day and evening/night until midnight. I haven't got much to show that I've been working that much, but I know why. Most nights I've just been sitting here staring at the screen, feeling sorry for myself.
You could say I've kind of lost my mojo with blogging but it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop blogging, I don't think that will ever happen, and if it did then there would be a pretty good reason too. Blogging is something I've loved doing since I started it nearly 4 years ago. Every time I start something new for myself, I've never really stuck to it but blogging, I have, and it's the one thing I am proud of. When I blog I kind of feel myself again. It's my little space where I can rant, ramble on and talk about whatever.
Recently it's been different. You could say I've started to compare my blog to others. Something no blogger should do. I'm not happy with my header. I'm not happy with my writing. I'm rubbish at being organised. I'm rubbish at replying to e-mails. I've got 100's of drafts that either need finishing, editing or publishing but with most posts that I have written, I can't seem to get myself to publish them because I keep thinking 'no one's going to be interested' or 'the post is rubbish' and so on. I just can't seem to get that little negative voice out of my head.
Nearly four years of blogging and I'm kind of struggling to work out what I want to write about. Recently I have written a few posts about how I feel, what we do as a family and our days out. I want to focus more on those kind of posts. But trying to get the right words and feeling negative isn't helping. When Freddie starts school in 4 years time, I do want this blog to be my full-time job. I want to work from home and earn a full-time wage. My partner and I have agreed for me to aim for that. It will be cheaper for us money wise with childcare and so on. It is something I'm looking forward too, but I need a kick up the bum to get my mojo back.
I find a lot of Facebook groups recently give out blogging advice to bloggers, which is great but sometimes it feels as you're pressured to do exactly the same as them. In a way, it feels as though all bloggers have to follow certain ways of blogging and have to do this and that etc. I should get myself out of a lot of blogging groups on Facebook, but they are handy in other ways. Sometimes when I see these 'advice' posts (only some), I feel rubbish in myself like I am doing something wrong because I've not done what they're saying and so on. I just need to learn to put it behind me and just carry on how I am and work harder.
I've definitely taken a step back from blogging since Freddie was born and quite a bit when I was pregnant with Freddie too. I remember telling myself that I will catch up on my massive to-do list when he's born. I mean, a newborn pretty much sleeps throughout the day, with a few feeds in between right? How wrong was I. Freddie hates his sleep. He is a tiny bit better now but still napping 20-50 minutes, depends on how tired he is and such. I lose interest in a post if he wakes up while I'm writing one and I think that is one huge reason why I don't finish writing them or publish them.
It's not just about blogging. I'm negative with everyone and everything lately. One little thing and I'll be so damn miserable. One little thing and I could burst into tears and that's it for the whole day. I always try to start my day the same by getting up, wash my face, brush my teeth and put my make up on to look decent. Wearing makeup somehow picks up my energy and mood for the day. I'm not sure how but it makes me feel awake, if that makes sense?
Trying to balance work life, social life and motherhood are difficult. I feel extremely lucky that I am able to earn money working from home and still being able to do the school runs, make the kids food and all the rest but trying to balance it out is hard. Although I don't drive, I can easily catch a bus to visit friends in the town nearer to us, and I could easily spend the whole day there on Thursdays when the girls are in after school club until 6pm. However, I decided for them to go to club for me to have a day where I don't have to worry about a school pick up in the afternoon. A day where I can get my work done. I feel guilty that I hardly see my friends at times, but if I want to earn money, I need to do my deadlines, I need to work to earn. I do try and take one Thursday off every so often and visit a friend for a catch-up. I do enjoy it, and I think it's needed every so often.
I really hope all these feelings I'm having recently, passes soon. I need to stop comparing my blog to others. Each blogger is on their own journey. We're all unique in our own ways. I need to stop putting myself down. I need to stop putting my blog down. It's something I've acheived and I should be proud. But at the moment it's hard. As I said above, trying to balance work, social life and motherhood is so damn hard. I'm planning a cosy night in with my partner this evening and watch a film. It will be my first night off for over two weeks, so I am really looking forward too it. I think it's a must do, especially if I'm getting this stressed and hopefully I will get my mojo back very soon.
We all deserve a break.