Why Aren't You There Mum?

I've had a few people telling me that either my life is 'perfect' or they say I make out my life is 'perfect'. Where they get that from I really don't know as no one's life is perfect and my life is far from it. Being bullied since I was young all the way up to last year of high school because I apparently didn't 'fit' into their crowd and one thing that not everyone knows is I've had to live my life with a mother who hasn't been there for me. I see these quotes on Social Media site's saying 'Love your Mother as you will never get another' - do you HAVE to? What about a mother who allowed her partner at the time (many years ago) abuse a sibling of mine. What mother says she doesn't want her own children so then she lost custody of us. The best thing that has ever happened to me is when my Dad got custody of me and my brother. I was around 4 years old so i'm lucky enough that I don't remember anything that was going on but I have read some court papers when I was around 16 years old.

It's only now, at the age of 22 (nearly 23) that I have got it into my head that she really is not bothered. I am the eldest out of 6 children, it is a bit confussing really but I will try and put it as simple as I can. My Dad had me and my brother with my mother and it was us two that my Dad got custody of. My mother has had 4 other children since who I don't see very often and it breaks my heart. My Dad has another son. I hope that makes sense too you all.

Living without my mother was pretty hard especially through primary and secondary school. In primary school there was an arrangement that we go to my mothers every fortnight on the weekend, but most weekends she let us down but we weren't bothered because we didn't want to go there anyway. She decided to move to the Isle Of Man for a year and we saw her once in that year. When she came back we didn't see her or no contact with her for an extra 6 months. She always tries to blame my Dad and say that he stopped us but what she does not understand is I was at the age where I understood most things and I still remember to this day that she was the one phoning up last minute saying she can't come and pick us up.

Through Secondary was a bit worse for me because all my friends had that lovely family where both parents were together and married and I was the only one out of them living with a Single Parent. I had nothing at all against my Dad being a single parent, he is one of the best Dad's out there who did and still does everything for us plus I couldn't of asked for a better upbringing. The part where it was hard was when I started the 'women things' but luckily my Dad had a partner then and I was comfortable with her to talk about it but I still remember to this day that it should of been my mother there for me. My mother had no idea about the bullying I was having at school, I had no reason to tell her either. Why should I if most of the time I spoke to her she would tell me either she didn't want too hear or 'if it's an argument don't tell me I don't want to know I have my own problems' etc.

When I fell pregnant with my first daughter, Mia she was happy but at 38 weeks we had a massive argument all because I wanted my Dad in the labour room and not her. Why should I let a woman who hardly knows me come into the labour room with me, a woman who has never been there for me. But she just did not understand that. The next day I had an appointment with the consultant and got told I had pre-eclampsia as my blood pressure was very high and I blame her for causing me that stress, the next day I had to be induced.

I am fed up of letting my mother coming in and out of my life. Writing this today, I haven't seen my mother since just before Christmas and the only reason I saw her just before Christmas was because I went to hers to drop of some Christmas presents for her and my brothers and sister. She had no idea when I was going to Thailand, how long I was going for or when I was coming back. I don't even know if she knew I was going on holiday. She didn't even wish Mia or Elliw a happy birthday and they didn't even have a card. I have never called her a 'Nain' in front of them because they don't know who she is. She tells me I have never made the effort to text or see her, I apparently stop her from seeing Mia and Elliw too. That would be the last thing I do, I would never stop any of their grandparents seeing them but what she forgot was I told her to stop doing drugs and then she can come back into my home too see them. After I told her that which was about 2 years ago now I didn't see or hear from her for over a year. I heard from her once when she phoned me to argue with me just because I had gone to see one of my brothers who she has not seen for over 5 years.

Even though it is only now I am getting it into my head she does not want anything to do with me, it still hurts and I still have tears now and then as I think to myself sometimes if I have done anything wrong to deserve what she is doing to me? I just wish I had my mother there at the times I wanted to learn how to put make up one, go shopping for my first bra, or just go out for tea and shopping. I have never gone out shopping with my mother and that is one thing I really wish I had experienced.

So before you decide that I am either living my life perfect or making out that it is perfect, please don't judge if you don't know the story.

I just hope one day she realises how much effort I have done for her to come and see me and the girls and for her to stop blaming me for her mistakes. I can only wish...

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