MY BODY 15 MONTHS LATER

My third baby, my son, is 15 months now and I'm still not in shape, and I've not got a flat tummy. My hips are out of shape, I've got a belly that hangs, I'm basically overweight - a lot. I've joined Slimming World probably three or four times? Main reason being, I know it works as I lost 3 and a half stone on the plan a few years back. But life gets in the way. Weight has always been a problem and such a big issue for me, ever since I was a child. I went into women's size clothing quite quickly as children's clothing were too small for me. Reason for being overweight when I was a child? I don't know because I never over ate. However, a few years later, halfway through secondary school I lost all the weight, and I was a healthy weight for my height. I was a size 10/12, depending on which shop. I was happy. I loved my body back then.

I fell pregnant with my first, and I gained weight, I lost most of it within a few months, only to gain again during and after my second pregnancy. I lost nearly 4 stone after my second, only to gain it back and a bit more. When I was ready to kick-start my weight loss - yet again, I fell pregnant with my third (and last) baby. I got miserable, fed up and lonely during my pregnancy. I joined Slimming World but couldn't stick to it. I lost my appetite so many times that I wasn't eating properly. Some weeks were good, others weren't. I decided to stop attending my local group as I started to dislike it. I felt as I was putting too much pressure on myself. Along with having Obstetric Cholestasis, coping with being pregnant and two kids, along with work too, I was exhausted and stressed enough.

After having my baby, I lost over a stone after giving birth. Of course, I was overly happy. I thought it would help me kick start my weight loss. My head was in it for a couple of weeks until the lack of sleep kicked in. I was sleep deprived for a year, I struggled, especially in the 10-11 months before we decided to introduce formula milk as his bedtime feed so my partner could help. I couldn't function, I was feeling down every single day, I cried for no reason most days, I was struggling, so my mind wasn't in the right mindset to think about food planning. For me, I couldn't do it.

When I'm stressed or down - I eat.

For many years I've put myself down with my weight. Yes, I need to lose weight, but I do think I need to stop comparing myself and stop putting myself down so much. I read so many posts about how other Mums have pretty much got back into their size 10 or size 12 and I envy them. Although, I am so happy for them at the same time. I kick myself for letting myself get to the way I am now. But I shouldn't. I can't help how I feel, I didn't plan to be sleep deprived, I didn't plan for depression to return and change me as a person.

But one thing I can do now seeing as my baby is sleeping better is to get my life back on track. Start taking control. Stop worrying about the way I look and concentrate on the now. I am currently doing Slimming World, and I have lost weight, but not a lot. I have a few goals I have in mind, and I hope I can achieve and share one personal goal by the end of November. The point in this post is that not all Mums get back into their pre-baby clothes size. Many, like myself, gain a stone or two (sometimes more) during and after our pregnancies - and that is OK.

It's only recently that I feel ok being in front of the camera instead of behind it. Although I tend to put myself in a certain position so no one sees my legs or in a position where I 'try' and make myself look a little smaller but at the end of the day, my kids will want to see me in the photo when they grow up. I want them to remember the memories with me. I want them to show old photos of me with them, to their own kids or grandkids when they are older and possibly take the mick out of what I'm wearing and how old-fashioned it is (strange!).

My body has carried three beautiful babies. I have marks of proof. I'm not happy with my body but I am happy that I was able to carry my babies. I know one day I will be happy with my body, one day I will be proud that I will be able to fit into a certain dress size again. But right now, 15 months later, I'm still on my journey in getting my head into concentrating on myself more. I will never get my size 10/12 body size shape back again. But I will be happy.

Our attempt of a photo!