Please Slow Down... I'm Not Ready...

Freddie, my little boy, my very last baby, is turning two this July. How crazy is that? While I write this, he is nearly 21 months old. I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant with him, those 6 whole days of taking countless of tests, knowing I was pregnant but each test coming out negative, even the doctor's blood test. Then 6 days later, a test confirms I am actually pregnant. It's strange how it all began. Then the excitement when we found out he was a boy. Everything just felt right, and everything felt complete.

Sleep was pretty much non-existent when he was little. Very normal for the first few months, but being sleep deprived when you have two other children to wake up to each morning, is exhausting and it changes you in many ways. I wasn't functioning very well with anything. I was snappy, I was miserable, and I had little or no energy. Freddie slept in my bed for months, although his snuzpod was right next to the bed, he rarely slept in it. He always wanted to be close to me. Never off me, he loved being in my arms, sleeping and awake.

This is something I didn't mind and something I am really glad I did.

We eventually moved him into the big cot. It was really hard, it was a struggle for him to settle and from then on, he was cuddled to sleep. It would take anything from 30 minutes to two hours to settle him. Only for him to wake up a few hours later, but as time went on again, he missed those wake up calls and eventually sleeping all night. This happened after I decided to stop breastfeeding him in the evenings and put him on formula for his night feeds. This way, my partner could help too.

We are now in the process of helping him settle himself to sleep. He's getting heavy for us to cuddle and settle him in our arms. Some evenings he will play up and be wide awake, although he's shattered, for up to an hour or so. It puts a stress on us and in a selfish way, takes up a lot of our evenings. Especially that my partner has worked all day and I start my work in the evenings. It got a little bit too stressful. However, we both decided it was time. Although, my partner did mention it a few weeks ago, but I wasn't ready for it yet.

It's been about 4 nights now and shockingly, it hasn't been too bad. We do use a sleeping method call 'cry it out', but we go back every so often, so he knows he's not alone. He knows we haven't left him. Although he wants us to pick him up and cuddle him to sleep (I really do too!), he isn't properly crying - it's more of a moaning cry. He does eventually settle within 20-30 minutes. I honestly thought it would take hours and that's something I wouldn't be able to cope with, and I would give in like I did months ago when I tried it.

I went to bed last night, and I was just thinking about my little Freddie. How much he has grown in just under two years. He's such a cheeky little monkey, constantly up to mischief, laughing and always smiling. He has the cheekiest big grin with adorable dimples on each cheek. His curly ponytail hair and just everything about him is just so-perfect.

I wish time would slow down. I feel we have gone through many big milestones and they've now all passed. Such as breastfeeding, co-sleeping and our evening cuddles to settle him to sleep. It's all going too fast, and it does make me sad that we can never replay those times again. But saying that, I am so glad that I forgot about the dishes, the washing and the housework so I could have more cuddles with my baby boy. I'm glad I gave him those extra cuddles. That bond we had and still have is so unbreakable and strong.

He really is the light of our family. The one who brought us all closer and although it's so hard at times, most days, I feel so grateful to have such a wonderful little family. I just wish time would slow down a little. It's all going so fast.

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