Today I ended up telling my partner to take Freddie out with him. Freddie was so excited, he gave me a kiss goodbye and even waved his hands to wave goodbye, with his little words 'ta-ta' as he was walking out the door with his Daddy. Only little does he know that I wanted five minutes to myself. I wanted to feel somewhat human for a moment. I wanted a few minutes where there wasn't a toddler trying to climb up on me every single second of the day. I wanted to feel free and be able to walk wherever I wanted to go, without a little person following me absolutely everywhere, or older children continually asking for a drink, a snack or anything else they wanted.

I wanted to feel like me.

My head felt like it was banging. I was feeling drained out. I could feel all these emotions in me, I didn't know whether to feel angry or if I wanted to break down and cry. Having to do the same things every single day is exhausting. You do the same routine, but it's just a different day. Although it's the same thing every day, you never really know how your day is going to turn out like. It could actually turn out to be a very good day, but recently, I feel like most of my days are exhausting and I feel like I just want them to end quickly - which is not what I want to feel.

Freddie is 18 months old this month, and I can say that he is the hardest one out of all three. People will say 'boys will be boys' or 'that's kids for you' and so on, but sometimes it would be nice for someone to ask you "what is wrong?" or "I'm here to listen, what's up?", Something along those lines. I guess when I sometimes say that Freddie is a handful, I guess I'm doing a cry out for help that I'm struggling. But you see, I'm good at hiding those kinds of feelings away. Put a smile on my face each time I go out of the house, and that is that - nobody knows.

Each day I wake up and think how am I going to entertain him and keep him happy before and after his nap times? Don't get me wrong I absolutely adore my little boy and two girls. They mean the absolute world to me. When the girls are in school, I do panic a little that I'm not going to be able to cope with Freddie if he gets bored or if he throws a big tantrum that I'm not able to control. It's crazy that such a little person - an 18 month old - can make you break down so many times a week, isn't it? But despite all the downs, my love for him is so strong, and he is my little sidekick. He does keep me going, even if he drives me crazy most days.

Then there is that horrible guilt you feel at the end of the day. You go and kiss your baby goodnight with tears streaming down your face wondering why on earth do you deserve them little ones? Those little ones look up to you. Those little ones need you. You may feel guilty for either not doing enough with them in the day, for giving them a row, it can be absolutely anything, but the parent guilt is one of the worst feelings you can have being a parent.

But remember, they still love you, no matter what.

Trying to keep the kids happy, feeding them, reaching their needs and on top of that is working from home and keeping on top of the housework. The only time the housework is on top is when Freddie is in nursery on Thursdays - my work day. There is always something to do, something to keep or clean. I tidy one room, the other room gets trashed, and it's a horrible stressful circle every day. There's never an end to it.

Up until one day, all three will be out living their own lives. Maybe one will move away, another will be at home for longer and another living in another country, you never know what's going to happen. One day they will all leave. There will be no kids at home anymore. One day they will be parents themselves, they will come and visit you with their own children. One day you will want that little person following you everywhere. One day you will want that little person shouting 'Mam, Mam, Mam!'

One day you will want them all to be your babies again.

One day you will wish you could replay all the years - all over again.

This is what keeps me going. The love of my children is so strong. Each time I have changed my views on parenting. I am not the parent I was the first or second time, but I do like the parent I am now. I am seeing that one day my children won't be this age anymore. I don't want to wish their years away, I am going to live the 'now' with my struggles and try my best to somehow enjoy it. I am going to give them extra cuddles if I want too, I will give in to them if I want too and I will do what makes me happy.

So despite all the breakdowns you have in a day or a week, your children love you to pieces.

To your children, you are their world.

It's ok to break down on the kitchen floor. Hiding yourself in the bathroom and cry is ok. Let it all out - it's the best way.

Parenting doesn't come with a guidebook - you do what is best.

If you ever need to talk to someone, go to your doctors or a close friend or family member.

It's ok not to be ok.

Because trust me, you're doing the best damn job being a parent.

This goes out to all those super strong Mama's and Dada's out there.

Whether you're a stay at home parent, work from home parent or a working parent.

You are amazing.

Keep doing what you're doing.


  1. Love how raw and honest this is Beth. I have days like that with my 10 month old daughter as well but somehow we make it through it <3 Love you blog! Just found it on your instagram! Gonna binge read your posts with a cup of tea (:

  2. What a beautiful post. I have a 17 month old and can definitely relate to everyday being a repeat. It can get depressing but like you said one day they'll be older and we'll look back at this time with hopefully fond memories.

  3. 💜💜💜 I love this post so much. I've had a day like that today. I'm exhausted and grumpy and every little bit of whining has wound me up. Thanks for making me feel less alone. I hope your day got better xx #KCACOLS

  4. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt, honest post about the struggles motherhood can bring. We all get frustrated from time to time and it's important for sooo many parents to acknowledge it is OK to feel these emotions from time to time. #KCACOLS

  5. Ah Beth - this is exactly how I am feeling at the moment! Mon-Fri the days are all the same except they could be bad days or good days and you have no idea until you are in the middle of it. Your photos are amazing by the way! #MMBC

  6. You two look so adorable in the pics. Yes, 18 months old can absolutely drive anyone crazy. I have been through it. I had to just endure and let the time pass.

  7. I think this post will touch a lot of people. As parents, we all have times where things get a bit much, we need to remember to make a few minutes to ourselves where we can, it definitley helps. Thank you so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time.

  8. It's when you're crying because he's crying because you're crying and you're stuck in a loop. Those are the days are the ones that get me the most. #kcacols

  9. What a beautiful post Beth. I honestly can relate very much. I also need those 'me time" moments a lot and when you can have them, things feel much better afterwards. You are right, we should be living the now because they won't be around for ever. They will soon leave our home to live their lives and we will miss them and those moments very much. So , yes, it is so important to appreciate them now. You have a beautiful family! #kcacols

  10. Saw this post on twitter, just as I had tweeted that I was shattered after Lucas's behaviour today. I feel drained and like I can never keep him entertained. This post has made me feel so much better in the fact that I am not alone. Other parents are going through this too

    Laura x x x


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